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FOR  EIGHT  WOMEN 


CHARACTERS 

(In  order  of  their  first  appearance') 

MARGARET  BRANSON  \    mmG^ests  at  thc  Kclloqq  house  party 
LAURA  FITZSIMMOXS  \ 

MRS.  RICHARD  D.  KELLOGG The  hostess 

HELEN  STODDARD  ]  Ofhgr         ts 

EMMA  SUMMERS  ) 

MARY  CASTLE   

....  The  Kelloggs'  maid,  convinced  of  masculine  tyranny 

FRANCES  AYRES The  frivolous  guest 

GRACE  KELLOGG Mrs.  Kellogg' s  daughter 


Ti  M E — A ny  summer. 


PLACE — Mrs.  Kellogg' s  summer  home. 


TIME  OF  PLAYING — About  thirty   minutes. 


COPYRIGHT,    1906,    BY    T.    S.    DENISON 
MADE   IN   U.    S.    A. 


MEN   NOT  WANTED  3 

COSTUMES  AND  CHARACTERISTICS 

Margaret,  Laura,  Helen,  Emma,  and  Grace,  aged  from 
seventeen  to  twenty,  are  all  attractive,  light-hearted  girls 
who,  under  the  spell  of  a  social  service  lecture  have  suddenly 
assumed  a  profound  seriousness  which  shows  in  their  dress 
and  manner. 

Margaret  allows  her  hair  to  fly  untended,  and  wears  an 
untidy-looking  negligee. 

Laura  appears  in  a  neat  but  plain  dress,  with  old,  loose- 
heeled  slippers  on  her  feet. 

Helen  wears  a  rather  plain  dark  gingham  house  dress. 

Emma  wears  a  light,  pretty  summer  frock  and  hat,  both 
a  little  wilted  from  heat  and  strenuous  activity. 

Grace  wears  a  severe-looking  tailored  suit  in  keeping  with 
her  role  of  woman  politician. 

Mrs.  Kellogg  wears  fashionable  street  suit  and  hat. 

Mary  is  an  angular,  sad-looking  maid,  long  past  middle 
age.  She  wears  the  regulation  maid's  costume  of  grey  or 
black  with  white  cap  and  apron. 

Frances,  whose  gay  spirit  is  not  affected  by  the  lecture, 
is  dressed  in  a  modish  and  becoming  white  sports  suit  and 
hat,  with  appropriate  accessories. 


PROPERTIES 

For  Mrs.  Kellogg,  hand  bag,  samples  of  dress  silks,  open 
letter.  For  Helen,  two  pencils,  two  large  volumes  of 
"Plutarch's  Lives."  For  Emma,  armful  of  tracts,  handker- 
chief. For  Mary,  dust  cloth,  several  vases  filled  with  flowers. 
For  Frances,  tennis  racket,  bunch  of  flowers,  engagement 
ring,  handkerchief.  For  Grace,  pamphlet,  paper  knife. 


2055222 


MEN  NOT  WANTED 


SCENE:  The  comfortably  furnished  living  room  of  MRS. 
KELLOGG'S  summer  home.  It  has  two  doors:  one  at  right 
leading  to  the  front  hall  and  outdoors,  and  the  other  at  left, 
leading  to  the  rear  of  the  house.  A  large  window,  with  cur- 
tains and  drapes,  is  up  center.  Up  left  is  a  bookcase,  on 
which  MARGARET'S  black  hat  is  lying.  A  lounge,  piled  with 
fancy  pillows,  is  dozvn  right.  Near  the  center  of  the  stage 
is  a  library  table,  with  an  easy  chair  at  right  and  another  at 
left  of  it.  On  the  table  are  books,  papers,  and  a  vase  con- 
taining flowers  and  water.  Down  left  is  a  writing  desk  on 
which  is  a  complete  set  of  writing  paraphernalia,  also  a  thick 
pamphlet.  A  straight-backed  chair  is  beside  it.  Up  right 
near  the  ba-ck  drop  is  a  fireplace  with  a  mantel,  on  which  are 
a  number  of  pictures  and  ornaments.  Above  the  mantel  is 
a  mirror.  Up  center  near  the  ba-ck  drop  are  two  comfortable- 
looking  chairs,  one  on  either  side  of  the  window.  A  foot- 
stool is  down  center  right  not  far  from  the  right-hand  arm- 
chair. A  small  telephone  table,  with  an  instrument  on  it 
and  a  chair  beside  it,  is  at  left  between  the  writing  desk  and 
the  door.  In  the  drawer  of  the  center  table  is  a  complete 
set  of  writing  materials  and  a  letter  in  an  open  envelope. 

At  rise  of  curtain,  MARGARET  is  sitting  at  the  telephone 
table  at  left,  talking  into  the  mouthpiece.  Her  hair  is  in  dis- 
order, and  her  negligee  is  untidy. 

MARGARET  (rumpling  her  hair  nervously  as  she  phones'). 
Why,  you  see,  Mrs.  Barnes,  I  thought  that  since  you  had 
known  mother  so  long  and  had  had  so  much  experience  in 
church  work,  you  might  be  able  to  advise  me.  (Pauses  and 
listens.)  Yes.  As  I  was  saying,  I  heard  a  perfectly  won- 
der-ful  lecture  last  night  on  "What  Is  Worth  While  in  Life," 

5 


6  MEN  NOT  WANTED 

and  it  made  me  feel  how  frivolous  I  have  been  to  neglect  the 
serious  part  of  life.  (Pauses.)  Oh,  did  you  hear  it,  too? 
Over  the  radio?  Wasn't  it  perfectly  won-der-f ul ?  It  made 
me  positively  shudder  to  think  how  much  time  I  have  wasted 
dressing  and  fixing  my  hair  and  going  to  parties.  What's 
that?  (Pauses.)  Oh,  yes;  I  believe  that  Mrs.  Kellogg  is 
planning  some  parties  while  we  are  here,  but  I  don't  expect 
to  give  much  of  my  time  to  them.  (Pauses.)  Well,  of 
course  I  like  Dick  well  enough,  but  since  last  night  I've  de- 
cided I've  been  wasting  too  much  time  trying  to  please  men. 
Now  I  ask  you,  Mrs.  Barnes,  are  they  worth  it?  (Soul- 
fully.)  Think  of  all  the  splendid  things  in  the  world  that 
are  much  more  worth  while!  (Pauses.)  Yes;  I  have  fully 
decided  that  I'm  going  to  be  a  missionary.  (Pauses.)  Oh, 
yes,  indeed.  I  feel  that  my  own  particular  field  is  Africa. 
I'm  going  there  just  as  soon  as  I  can  find  out  about  the 
work.  (Pauses.)  Yes.  I  really  called  you  to  find  out  the 
address  of  that  Kushutoo  missionary  you  were  telling  mother 
about  last  summer.  He  can  tell  me  all  about  the  work.  I 
bet  he'd  like  to  have  me  as  his  assistant.  (Pauses.)  Just 
wait  a  minute.  I'll  write  it  down.  (Drops  receiver,  makes 
a  comedy  dash  down  to  writing  desk,  grabs  paper  and  pencil, 
darts  back  to  phone,  puts  receiver  to  ear,  and  ztrites.)  Just 
say  that  again,  Mrs.  Barnes.  (Pauses  and  writes.)  Oh, 
thank  you  so  much !  I'll  call  you  again  sometime. 

During  her  last  two  sentences,  LAURA  enters  at  left,  walk- 
ing clumsily  in  loose-heeled  boudoir  slippers,  looking  pre- 
occupied. MARGARET  looks  her  over  critically. 

MARGARET.  Hullo,  Laura.  Where  did  you  dig  up  the 
fancy  slippers?  At  a  rummage  sale?  How  come  a  fluffy 
ruffles  like  you  looks  so  tacky  to-day? 

LAURA  (contemptuously).  Looks?  Who  cares  for  looks 
after  that  perfectly  grand  lecture  we  heard  last  night?  '  It's 
a  darned  shame  mother  ever  let  me  go  into  society  and  play 
around  with  the  men.  Think  how  useful  I  could  have  been 
to  the  world!  (Looks  MARGARET  over  for  the  first  time.) 
Well,  you're  a  fine  one  to  make  bum  jokes  about  my  slip- 


MEN   NOT  WANTED  7 

pers.  You  look  like  the  tail  end  of  an  imperfect  day  your- 
self!  What  have  you  done  to  your  hair? 

MARGARET  (tossing  her  head  indifferently).  I  should 
worry  about  my  hair.  I'm  not  going  to  be  a  silly  butterfly 
a  minute  longer  and  spend  all  my  time  dressing  to  please  the 
men.  I  don't  mind  telling  you,  Laura,  that  I'm  done  with 
men  forever!  (Makes  a  sweeping  gesture  indicating  com- 
plete elimination.) 

LAURA  (admiringly).  Oh,  Margaret,  isn't  that  simply 
splendid?  I've  ditched  the  men,  too — they  bore  me.  any- 
way. But  I  don't  think  I  can  quite  afford  to  neglect  my 
looks  and  get  old  and  frowsy-looking.  (Glances  cautiously 
into  the  mirror  above  the  mantel  and  fusses  with  her  hair.) 

MARGARET.  Well,  I  intend  to  devote  the  rest  of  my  life  to 
foreign  missions. 

LAURA  (enthusiastically).  Oh,  do  you?  I'm  going  to  be 
a  missionary,  too. 

MARGARET.  From  now  on,  I  am  going  to  cut  out  all 
frivolity  and  devote  my  life  to  uplifting  the  poor,  benighted 
heathen  of  Africa — 

LAURA  (in  a  disappointed  tone).  But  I  have  chosen 
Africa  for  my  own  field. 

MARGARET  (contemptuously).  You!  What  could  you 
do  in  Africa?  Besides,  I  thought  of  it  first.  And  there 
wouldn't  be  a  bit  of  fun  or  a  particle  of  glory  for  me.  with 
another  woman  tagging  along. 

LAURA  (after  a  short  silence).  Isn't  Africa  big  enough 
so  that  you  could  take  one  end  and  I  the  other?  It  looks 
big  enough  on  the  map. 

MARGARET.  Well,  I  can  tell  you  right  away  that  Africa 
isn't  big  enough  to  hold  two  women  missionaries.  I  intend 
to  send  back  reports  that  will  make  me  famous,  like  Stan- 
ley's "Darkest  Africa,"  and  if  you  were  anywhere  around, 
you'd  cramp  my  style.  I  thought  you  were  always  so  inter- 
ested in  tenement  house  babies.  Why  don't  you  stick  to  that 
line? 

LAURA  (weakening).  Well,  maybe  I  shall.  To  tell  the 
truth,  I'm  not  a  bit  keen  about  boa  constrictors ;  and  I  un- 


8  MEN  NOT  WANTED 

derstand  that  Africa  is  full  of  'em.  I'd  simply  pass  away 
if  I  saw  one  swinging  above  my  head. 

MARGARET  (boastfully).  Pooh!  I  wouldn't  care.  I  was 
reading  the  other  day  that  the  boa  constrictor's  deadliest 
enemy  is  a  black  bird  with  fringed  feathers,  which  swoops 
down  and  picks  out  his  eyes.  My  black  lace  hat  with  its 
ruffled  edge — you  remember  I  picked  it  up  at  a  fire  sale — 
looks  exactly  like  the  picture  of  that  bird.  (Rises,  crosses 
to  the  bookcase  up  left,  gets  the  hat,  and  jams  it  down  on  her 
hair,  with  grotesque  effect.)  There!  I  bet  you  that  when 
Mr.  Boa  Constrictor  sees  this  hat  bobbing  around  the  jungle 
he'll  run  a  mile  in  the  other  direction.  You  know,  boa  con- 
strictors are  awfully  dumb. 

LAURA  (eying  the  hat  with  abhorrence).  I  wouldn't  say 
they  were  so  dumb  just  because  they  ran  from  that!  (Points 
to  the  hat  and  shudders.)  I'd  run  from  it,  too,  if  I  had  to 
look  at  it  very  long.  Take  it  off! 

MARGARET  (scornfully,  perching  on  the  arm  of  chair  at 
right  of  table).  Huh!  'Fraid  cat!  Why,  you  couldn't  even 
be  trusted  to  take  care  of  slum  babies.  When  they  had  the 
colic,  you'd  probably  throw  a  fit  and  run  away  and  leave  them 
to  scream  their  poor  little  heads  off. 

LAURA  (hotly),  I  would  not!  I'm  simply  a  wow  at  tak- 
ing care  of  babies!  I  have  a  natural  gift  for  it.  What's 
more,  I've  got  a  perfectly  gorgeous  idea  for  inventing  a  cure 
for  colic ;  and  when  I  get  it  worked  out,  it'll  make  me  a  lot 
more  famous  than  your  little  old  missionary  stunt  will  make 
you.  So  you  can  just  keep  your  old  Africa.  I  don't  want 
it!  (The  two  girls  glare  at  each  other.  Suddenly  the  door- 
bell rings  off  right.  MARGARET  jerks  off  her  hat  wildly, 
flings  it  back  on  the  bookcase,  smooths  her  disordered  hair 
frantically,  runs  down  to  the  writing  desk,  and  begins  to 
write.  LAURA  flings  herself  on  the  lounge  and  piles  sofa 
pillows  upon  her  feet  until  the  shabby  slippers  are  hidden. 
Both  wait  breathlessly.  When  no  one  enters,  they  exchange 
shame-faced  looks.  Then  LAURA  speaks  contemptuously.') 
So  you're  the  gal  that  doesn't  care  a  hoot  about  her  looks! 
But  the  minute  the  bell  rings —  Quick,  Hortense !  Do  my 


MEN  NOT  WANTED  9 

hair  and  bring  my  handsomest  gown !  It  may  be  a  man ! 
(Laughs  tcasingly.) 

MARGARET  (indignantly).  What!  Me  dress  up  lor  a 
man?  Well,  I  guess  not!  I  merely  took  off  my  hat  to  ven- 
tilate my  hair.  I  don't  want  to  grow  bald-headed  from  wear- 
ing a  hat  too  much  in  the  house. 

LAURA  (with  a  disparaging  look  at  MARGARET'S  head). 
Your  hair  couldn't  possibly  look  any  worse  than  it  does  now, 
if  you  were  bald-headed. 

MARGARET  (sarcastically).  Thanks,  darling.  Anyone 
would  think,  from  the  way  you're  hiding  those  sloppy,  down- 
at-the-heel  old  slippers,  that  you  were  afraid  a  man  might 
pop  into  the  room  at  any  minute. 

LAURA  (tossing  the  pillows  off  her  feet  and  jumping  up, 
haughtily).  How  many  times  must  I  tell  you  that  I'm  oft" 
of  men  for  good?  These  slippers  are  the  badge  of  my  eman- 
cipation from  frivolity.  (Makes  a  sweeping  gesture  of  the 
arms  and  flings  out  one  leg  in  a  kind  of  pirouette,  thereby 
losing  a  slipper.  Bends  down  and  makes  a  dive  for  the  slip- 
per.) Henceforth  I  live  only  to  serve  humanity.  (Tries  to 
put  slipper  on,  loses  her  balance,  and  sits  flat  on  the  floor. 
MARGARET  snickers.) 

Enter  MRS.  KELLOGG  at  right,  dressed  for  the  street.  She 
carries  a  hand  bag  containing  dress  samples.  LAURA  drags 
on  her  slipper,  springs  to  her  feet  in  confusion,  and  sits  de- 
murely on  the  lounge. 

MRS.  KELLOGG  (glancing  in  surprise  from  one  girl  to  the 
other).  Why,  girls,  what  are  you  doing,  moping  around  the 
house  on  a  glorious  morning  like  this?  I  thought  you  had 
decided  to  go  shopping  with  me.  The  samples  have  come 
from  Menard's,  and  I  know  you'll  be  anxious  to  see  them. 
(Sits  at  center  table,  takes  samples  from  her  hand  bag,  and 
shows  them  to  the  girls,  speaking  enthusiastically.)  There! 
Did  you  ever  see  anything  as  lovely  and  girlish  as  these  little 
prints?  Here's  just  the  thing  for  you,  Margaret. 

MARGARET  (indifferently).  It  is  pretty.  But  I  don't  really 
need  any  new  dresses  just  now. 


10  MEN  NOT  WANTED 

MRS.  KELLOGG.  Why,  I  thought  you  said  yesterday  that 
you  had  to  have  a  new  one  for  the  Fairs'  dance. 

MARGARET  (embarrassed).  Yes,  I  know.  But  I've 
changed  my  mind.  I  may  never  dance — er — I  mean,  if  I 
need  a  new  one — I — er — can  make  the  old  ones  do. 

MRS.  KELLOGG  (puzzled).  Well,  of  course  you  have  all 
sorts  of  pretty  dresses.  (Turns  to  LAURA.)  Surely  you're 
going  to  get  a  new  one,  Laura,  in  honor  of  Ted  Jannin. 
Just  look  at  this  wild  rose  pattern.  Pink  is  his  favorite 
color;  isn't  it? 

LAURA  (evasively).  I  don't  know — that  is,  I  suppose  so. 
But  I  don't  really  think  I  shall  need  any  more  dainty,  frilly 
things  any  more. 

MRS.  KELLOGG  (rising  and  gathering  up  her  bag  and 
samples).  Well,  of  course,  that  is  for  you  to  decide.  I  will 
leave  the  samples  here  (puts  them  on  the  table),  and  you  can 
look  them  over  at  your  leisure.  If  you  change  your  minds, 
I  shall  be  glad  to  order  the  goods  sent  out  or  go  down  town 
with  you.  (Exit  hurriedly  at  right.) 

MARGARET  (with  elbow  on  desk  and  chin  cupped  in  her 
hand,  speaks,  somewhat  dismayed).  Well,  here  we  are  in  a 
pretty  mess!  We've  talked  so  much. about  the  new  dresses 
we  intended  to  have.  And  we've  even  engaged  the  dress- 
maker ! 

LAURA  (stern  and  businesslike).  Easiest  thing  in  the 
world  to  tell  her  we've  changed  our  minds.  After  all.  what 
use  would  you  have  for  silks  and  voiles  running  around  the 
African  jungle  and  dodging  snakes  and  alligators?  And  I'd 
look  funny,  wouldn't  I,  fluttering  up  and  down  tenement 
house  stairs  and  washing  slum  babies  in  that  wild  rose  print? 

Enter  HELEN  at  left,  with  a  pencil  stuck  behind  each  ear 
and  carrying  two  large  books.  She  sits  at  left  of  center 
table,  and  lays  books  on  the  table  beside  her. 

MARGARET  (glancing  at  the  titles).  Good  grief,  Helen! 
What  are  you  doing  lugging  Plutarch's  "Lives"  around? 
Can't  you  find  any  lighter  literature  than  this  to  read  and 
give  yourself  a  headache? 


MEN   NOT  WANTED  11 

HELEN  (shaking  her  head  dolefully).  I  can't  get  that  lec- 
ture of  last  evening  out  of  my  head.  I  was  never  so  deeply 
impressed  in  all  my  life. 

LAURA.    Me,  too! 

MARGARET.     Wasn't  it  thrilling? 

HELEN.  Girls,  it  just  makes  me  sick  to  think  how  I've 
wasted  my  time  with  dress  and  parties  and  men.  Men  are 
the  worst!  And  now  I'm  through  with  'em.  I  swear  it! 
I've  canceled  two  dates  to  go  sailing. 

MARGARET  (somewhat  regretfully).  And  I've  given  up 
the  loveliest  motor  ride  and  an  evening  at  the  theater  just  to 
— to  go  to  Africa. 

LAURA  (almost  crying).  I'm  sure  I  don't  know  what  Ted 
Jannin  will  think  when  he  gets  my  note  this  afternoon.  We 
were  going  walking  along  the  beach  drive.  But  I'd  do  any- 
thing for  the  tenement  house  babies ! 

HELEN  (firmly).  I've  turned  over  an  entirely  new  leaf. 
I've  laid  out  a  course  in  serious  reading  for  myself.  I 
thought  it  might  help  me  find  out  my  mission  in  life.  I'm 
beginning  with  Plutarch. 

MARGARET  (giggling).  Having  put  men  behind  you,  you 
are  now  studying  the  mistakes  of  great  men. 

HELEN.  Don't  be  so  flippant,  Margaret.  Good  books  are 
really  elevating.  Besides,  this  is  awfully  interesting.  (Opens 
one  of  the  volumes  and  yawns.)  If  you  will  excuse  me,  I'll 
go  on  with  my  reading.  Or  would  you  like  me  to  read  aloud? 

MARGARET  (hastily).  It's  sweet  of  you  to  offer,  but  really 
I  have  to  write  a  letter  at  once  to  the  superintendent  of  the 
Central  African  Mission.  (Turns  around  to  the  desk  and 
begins  to  write.) 

LAURA  (springing  up  from  the  lounge  and  sitting  at  right 
of  center  table).  And  I  must  write  to  that  social  settlement 
worker — what's  her  name? — Miss  Montremy,  at  once  and 
tell  her.  I'm  going  to  join  her  staff.  (Opens  draiver  of 
library  table,  takes  out  writing  materials  and  an  opened  let- 
ter, and  begins  to  write.)  I'll  begin  work  to-morrow. 

Enter  EMMA  at  right,  carrying  an  armful  of  tracts. 


12  MEN   NOT  WANTED 

HELEN  (looking  up  from  her  book  -with  a  yawn).  Why, 
Emma,  where  have  you  been  ?  Come  to  think  of  it,  I  haven't 
seen  you  since  breakfast. 

EMMA  (sitting  on  lounge,  drops  her  tracts  on  the  lounge 
beside  her  and  wipes  her  forehead  with  her  handkerchief). 
I've  been  terribly  busy.  I  started  out  right  after  breakfast, 
and  I've  been  delivering  tracts. 

MARGARET  (blankly).    Tracts! 

LAURA  (her  mouth  open).    Wha — what  for? 

EMMA.  Well,  you  see,  I  was  so  thrilled  by  that  lecture 
last  night  that  I  couldn't  get  it  out  of  my  head.  It  showed 
me  so  plainly  that  I  have  been  wasting  my  time,  particularly 
with  men,  that  I — well.  I  canceled  my  game  of  tennis  with 
Edward  Short —  Oh,  girls,  he  is  simply  a  divine  player ! 
That  is,  I  mean —  I'm  through  with  men.  I'm  going  to 
devote  myself  to  the  service  of  mankind. 

MARGARET  (coldly).     How  interesting! 

HELEN  (skeptically).     No!     You  don't  say! 

LAURA  (sotto  voce,  with  indignation}.     Copy  cat! 

EMMA  (too  well  pleased  with  herself  to  detect  the  note  of 
criticism}.  Mrs.  Harcourt  has  often  begged  me  to  help  her 
distribute  tracts  among  the  fishermen.  So  I  went  right 
around  to  her  and  got  a  bundle. 

MARGARET  (enviously}.  You're  lucky  to  get  into  active 
service  so  soon.  Oh,  dear!  I  wish  it  didn't  take  so  long  to 
get  to  Africa. 

LAURA.  And  to  think  how  many  slum  babies  may  be 
dying  this  minute  from  ill  treatment  and  lack  of  helpers ! 
I've  a  notion  to  start  out  at  once  and  walk  to  the  city. 

EMMA  (doubtfully,  as  she  arranges  the  tracts  in  sys- 
tematic piles  on  the  lounge).  Well,  I'm  not  so  sure  that  I 
did  any  more  good  by  passing  out  these  goofy  tracts  than 
if  I  had  stayed  at  home  and  played  tennis. 

MARGARET  (amazed}.    What! 

LAURA.    Why,  Emma! 

EMMA.  Not  one  of  the  fishermen  looked  as  if  he  could 
read.  One  of  'em  wrapped  his  bait  in  his  tract,  before  my 
very  eyes.  And  another  was  so  drunk  that  I  got  scared  and 


MEN   NOT  WANTED  13 

came  away.  However,  I  intend  to  stick.  I  might  as  well. 
Ed  will  probably  never  speak  to  me  again!  Maybe  I'll  take 
up  Grace  Kellogg's  work. 

LAURA.    What's  Grace  going  to  do? 

MARGARET.     Where  is  she? 

EMMA.  Upstairs  writing  letters  to  the  presidents  of  a 
lot  of  women  voters'  clubs.  Ever  since  the  lecture  of  last 
night,  she's  been  all  wrought  up  and  awfully  down  on  the 
men.  She  doesn't  dare  to  tell  her  mother  what  she's  up  to, 
but  (leaning  toward  the  others  confidentially)  between  you 
and  me  and  the  gatepost,  she  really  intends  to  get  a  job  lectur- 
ing for  the  women  voters'  clubs  on  the  civic  duties  of  women. 

HELEN   (gasping).     My  goodness  ! 

MARGARET.     Splendid ! 

Enter  MARY,  the  maid,  at  left,  carrying  a  dust  cloth  and 
several  cases,  which  she  places  on  niantcl  during  ensuing 
speeches. 

MARY  (glancing  around  the  room  at  the  girls).  Will  I 
be  after  disturbin'  you  ladies  if  I  do  a  little  dustin'r  Seemed 
like  I  could  niver  get  around  to  it  this  mornin'  till  now. 

HELEN  (pleasantly).  Go  as  far  as  you  like,  Mary.  If 
we  get  in  your  way,  just  shoo  us  aside.  (Resumes  her  read- 
ing, ivith  a  prolonged  yawn.) 

LAURA  (looking  up  from  her  writing  as  MARY  approaches 
the  table).  Mary,  did  you  ever  fool  around  much  with  the 
men? 

MARY  (dusting  the  books).  I  did  that.  Why,  bless  your 
sweet  life!  T  was  married  three  times! 

MARGARET  (dropping  her  pen  in  astonishment).  You 
don't  say!  Why,  how  did  you  ever  happen  to  catch — ?  I 
mean,  how  did  they  ever  persuade  you  to  marry  them? 

MARY  (dusting  a  vase  thoughtfully).  Well,  you  see,  I 
was  young  and  silly  once. 

HELEN  (sotto  voce,  to  LAURA).  Would  you  ever  have 
believed  it? 

MARY.    And  when  they  asked  me.  I  felt  sort  of  sorry  for 


14  MEN   NOT  WANTED 

them  and  said,  "yes."  But  I  would  never  do  it  again  if  I 
had  my  life  to  live  over. 

EMMA  (triumphantly,  to  the  other  girls').  Ah,  you  hear 
that?  Just  what  we've  been  saying:  Men  are  only  a 
hindrance !  Mary  ought  to  know ;  she's  had  enough  ex- 
perience!  (Hunts  behind  the  pictures  on  the  mantel  for 
string,  finds  it,  and  begins  to  tie  up  tracts  with  it.) 

LAURA  (rising  and  wandering  restlessly  about  the  room). 
But  is  a  man  really  worse  than  a  bunch  of  colicky  babies? 

MARY  (dusting  chairs  up  center).  Worse?  Well,  I  should 
say  so.  Why,  I've  took  care  of  slathers  of  babies  in  my 
time  and  come  through  with  only  tired  arms.  But  onct  a 
woman  gets  married,  it's  tired  arms,  tired  jaws,  and  a  tired 
heart  she  carries  to  bed  with  her  every  night,  for  all  the 
arguing  she's  had  to  do  to  get  enough  to  feed  and  clothe 
herself. 

MARGARET  (nodding,  ^mth  conviction}.  That's  true.  And 
the  world  not  a  bit  better  off  for  her  trouble,  either ! 

(The  other  girls  nod  vigorously  in  approval.} 

Enter  FRANCES  gayly  at  right,  carrying  a  tennis  racket  in 
one  hand  and  a  bouquet  of  flowers  in  the  other.  She  throws 
herself  on  the  lounge,  puts  the  racket  on  the  floor  beside  her, 
and  glances  in  astonishment  from  one  girl  to  another. 

FRANCES  (frivolously).  Greetings,  sisters!  What  have 
I  interrupted  ?  A  meeting  of  Doleful  Dumps  Lodge,  Num- 
ber 22?  You  all  look  as  though  you  are  carrying  the  sins 
of  the  world  on  your  shoulders. 

LAURA  (sternly).    Frances,  don't  be  flippant! 

MARGARET  (ditto).  Somebody  ought  to  help  the  sinners 
bear  their  burdens! 

EMMA.  That's  right!  Kid  us  when  we  are  trying  to  do 
some  good  in  the  world ! 

FRANCES  (taking  off  her  hat,  unruffled,  and  fanning  her- 
self with  it,  as  she  glances  amusedly  at  the  four  girls).  Oh, 
so  that's  what  you're  trying  to  do!  Since  when  have  you 
acquired  this  zeal  to  serve  suffering  humanity? 


MEN   NOT  WANTED  15 

MARGARET  (scathingly).  Since  the  lecture  last  night.  If 
you  hadn't  played  hookey  instead  of  attending  it  with  us, 
you'd  understand  why  we  were  all  so  deeply  impressed — 

FRANCES  (with  a  giggle).    I'll  say  you  were! 

MARGARET  (continuing').  — impressed  with  the  fact  that 
the  world  needs  us  badly!  (Consults  a  booklet  on  the  desk.) 
Do  you  realize  that  out  of  two  million  African  souls,  packed 
in  an  area  no  larger  than  that  of  any  one  of  our  larger 
cities —  ? 

FRANCES  (interrupting,  in  surprise).  You  don't  say! 
How  did  the  Africans  happen  to  get  packed  in  that  closely? 
I've  always  heard  that  one  of  the  greatest  difficulties  a  mis- 
sionary in  Africa  has  to  encounter  is  the  long  distances  he 
must  travel  in  getting  from  village  to  village. 

MARGARET  (confused,  turning  several  pages).  Oh,  yes. 
I  got  that  mixed.  That  was  an  article  on  China  that  I  was 
reading.  But  here  it  is.  (Reads.)  "Only  a  small  portion 
of  the  poor  souls  hungering  for  knowledge  are  able  to  be 
reached,  on  account  of  the  slow  and  tedious  journeys  which 
must  be  made  among  the  scattered  settlements ;  also  lack  of 
interpreters  and  a  pressing  need  of  Bibles." 

EMMA.  Isn't  that  simply  heart-rending?  I  believe  I  ought 
to  give  up  tract  work.  Margaret,  and  go  with  you  to  Africa 
to  distribute  Bibles. 

MARGARET  (hurriedly).  Oh,  no.  I  can  do  it  alone,  all 
right.  Once  I  get  started,  it  won't  take  me  long. 

FRANCES  (enjoying  herself).  Let  your  motto  be,  "A  Bible 
in  every  heathen  home  in  Africa." 

(MARGARET  glares  haughtily  at  her.) 

LAURA  (who  has  been  reading  an  open  letter  which  she 
has  taken  from  the  table  drawer,  comes  dorvn  to  footstool 
and  sits).  Listen  to  this,  girls.  Here's  something  from  Miss 
Montremy's  last  letter.  (Reads.)  "The  mortality  among 
infants  has  undoubtedly  decreased  during  the  past  ten  years. 
But  each  day  sees  a  score  or  more  of  little  lives  blotted  out 
for  lack  of  a  sufficient  number  of  willing  and  skillful  hands." 

EMMA  (mournfully).     But  that  is  nothing  in  comparison 


16  MEN   NOT  WANTED 

with  my  poor  fishermen.  Just  think,  girls!  Each  time  the 
fisherman  goes  out  in  his  little  sailboat  may  be  his  last !  And 
he  may  drown  without  having  read — even — one — of  my — my 
tracts!  (Sobs  into  her  handkerchief.) 

FRANCES  (hiding  a  smile).  Well,  unfortunately  I  missed 
the  lecture  last  night,  so  I'm  not  as  deeply  impressed  with  the 
world's  pressing  needs  as  you  girls  are.  But  if  there's  any- 
thing I  can  do  to  help  you  and  yours,  just  let  me  know,  and 
I'll  be  right  there. 

LAURA  (severely).  There  isn't  a  particle  of  use  trying  to 
make  anything  worth  while  out  of  your  life  as  long  as  you 
spend  half  your  time  trying  to  please  the  other  sex. 

FRANCES  (apologetically).  Yes;  that  is  just  what  I  came 
in  to  talk  about.  It's  silly  trying  to  live  up  to  the  expectations 
of  a  lot  of  masculine  creatures.  Half  of  them  don't  know 
what  they  want,  anyhow.  So  I  have  decided  to  give  up  the 
society  of  men. 

HELEN,  MARGARET,  and  LAURA  (in  concert).  Good  for 
you! 

FRANCES.  And  to  tell  you  how  happy  I've  been  this  morn- 
ing, I've  just  played  the  first  game  of  my  life  with — 

MARGARET  (reprovingly).  And  just  think  of  the  poor 
Africans  who  were  needing  Bibles ;  and  the  tenement  babies 
dying  like  flies ;  and  the  awful  risk  the  poor  fishermen  were 
running  at  the  very  moment  when  you  were  playing  games 
for  your  own  selfish  pleasure ! 

FRANCES  (with  a  shudder).  I  know;  it's  awful.  But  you 
see,  since  I  didn't  hear  the  lecture,  the  visions  of  all  those 
calamities  aren't  as  vivid  in  my  mind  as  they  are  in  yours. 
(Turning  to  LAURA.)  By  the  way,  Laura,  what  on  earth 
have  you  said  or  done  to  Ted  Jannin  ?  I  never  knew  him  to 
act  that  way  before. 

LAURA.    What  way? 

.  FRANCES.  Oh,  so  strange  and  mopey.  He  never  .men- 
tioned your  name  once,  and  you  know  he  usually  talks  about 
you  by  the  hour  whenever  I'll  listen.  And  he  went  home 
right  after  the  second  game  without  saying  a  word. 

LAURA.    I'm  not  interested  in  Ted.    Listen  to  this.     (She 


MEN   NOT  WANTED  17 

crosses  and  perches  herself  on  the  arm  of  FRANCES'  chair  mid 
reads  from  her  letter  in  a  dismal  voice.)  "Statistics  show 
that  out  of  the  two  hundred  and  ninety-six  deaths  among 
infants,  reported  by  health  officers,  thirty-six  were  caused 
by  starvation,  eighty-two  by  fever  contracted — " 

FRANCES  (jumping  up  and  clapping  her  hands  over  her 
ears).  Oh,  dear!  I  shall  certainly  go  dippy  if  you  read  me 
any  more  of  those  woozy  statistics.  If  there  isn't  anything 
I  can  really  do  for  you,  I  think  I  shall  go  out  and  get  a 
breath  of  sunshine  before  the  world  looks  as  dark  as  the 
poor  African's  fate ! 

MARGARET    (bristling).     Well,   I— 

FRANCES.  I  beg  your  pardon,  Margaret.  I  mean  as  dark 
as  it  has  been  in  the  past — not  after  you  get  over  there  to 
brighten  him  up.  (Moves  toward  door,  pauses  as  she  passes 
LAURA.)  Oh,  I  forgot  to  say,  Laura,  that  about  an  hour 
after  the  game  I  met  Ted  walking  toward  the  park  with  that 
pretty  little  Hotchkins  girl.  I  suppose  he  had  to  console  him- 
self for  your  absence. 

LAURA  (starting  visibly).  You  don't  mean  that  Teddy 
was  poking  around  with  that  silly  little  baby  doll?  (With 
growing  irritation.)  He  needn't  think  I'll  ever  step  out  with 
him  again  if  he  takes  her  on! 

FRANCES  (pretending  surprise).  Why,  I  didn't  suppose  it 
mattered  to  you  in  the  least,  Laura,  what  girls  he  takes  out, 
now  that  you  have  thrown  yourself  so  whole  heartedly  into 
the  cause  of  the  tenement  babies. 

LAURA  (growing  calm  and  speaking  with  dignity).  You 
are  right.  If  that  poor,  silly  Hotchkins  girl  cannot  realize 
how  demoralizing  the  society  of  men  is,  when  anything  really 
noble  and  worth  while  is  to  be  accomplished  in  the  great 
universe,  she  is  only  to  be  pitied.  (With  emphasis.)  I  am 
thankful,  at  least,  that  I  have  realized  it  before  it  is  too  late. 

Enter  GRACE  hurriedly  at  left,  carrying  a  pamphlet  and 
a  paper  knife.  Without  apology,  she  bumps  into  MARY, 
who  is  just  going  out  at  left.  As  she  advances  to  center,  she 


18  MEN   NOT  WANTED 

stumbles  against  chairs,  all  the  while  stabbing  the  pamphlet 
with  the  paper  knife  to  accentuate  her  feelings. 

GRACE.  Girls,  girls,  girls !  What  do  you  think  of  this  ? 
I  have  spent  the  entire  morning  looking  up  references,  and 
I  find  that  ninety-seven  per  cent,  of  the  political  offices  in 
this  country — or  is  it  seventy-nine? — I  forget  which — well, 
anyway,  they're  held  by  men !  Did  you  ever  hear  of  any- 
thing so  perfectly  hoggish?  They  just  grab  the  earth! 
Won't  even  let  a  poor  woman  be  dog-catcher  now  and  then ! 
And  that's  the  reward  we  get  for  being  nice  to  'em ! 
(Thumps  the  table  with  her  fist.}  From  this  day,  as  long 
as  I  live,  I  am  resolved  not  only  to  renounce  the  name  of 
man,  but  to  set  my  strength,  my  tongue,  my  all  against  the 
unjust  tyranny  which  the  American  woman  has  borne  so 
nobly  for  so  long  in  silence.  I'll  teach  the  women  how  to 
use  their  civic  rights ! 

FRANCES  (waving  her  handkerchief  in  mock  enthusiasm}. 
Whoopee !  Let  the  eagle  scream ! 

LAURA,  MARGARET,  EMMA,  and  HELEN  (rushing  over  to 
GRACE  and  speaking  in  confused  chorus,  as  they  pat  her  on 
the  back } .  That's  the  talk !  You've  got  the  right  idea. 
You'll  be  a  whiz  as  a  lecturer,  Grace. 

Enter  MRS.  KELLOGG  at  right,  with  an  open  letter  in  her 

hand. 

MRS.  KELLOGG  (smiling  cheerily  about  her}.  Well,  girls, 
here  is  a  problem.  I  just  received  this  letter  from  Mrs. 
Winslow  a  moment  ago — as  I  came  in,  from  a  special  mes- 
senger. But  you  must  help  me  decide.  Listen.  (Reads.) 
"Dearest  Kate :  One  of  my  guests  has  failed  me  for  the  tea 
which  I  am  giving  this  evening  for  our  new  minister — and 
at  the  eleventh  hour !  Do  take  pity  on  me  and  send  me  in 
all  possible  haste  one  of  the  sweet  rosebuds  from  -your 
house  party.  I  never  could  decide,  when  standing  before  a 
florist  window,  which  was  my  favorite  flower.  I  leave  this 
weighty  matter  to  you.  Only  send  me  some  one  to  go  out  to 
supper  with  Bobby — " 


MEN   NOT  WANTED  19 

MARGARET  (jumping  up  excitedly  from  table}.  Bobby! 
Not  Bobby  Winslow? 

MRS.  KELLOGG  (nodding  and  smiling}.  The  same  dear, 
handsome  old  Bobby.  Tie  came  home  yesterday,  a  month 
before  his  mother  expected  him. 

(Instantly  all  the  girls  but  FRANCES  arc  on  the  alert,  eager 
with  anticipation.} 

LAURA  (rushing  to  desk  and  hurriedly  collecting  her  let- 
ters). Well,  I've  written  and  read  letters  to-day  until  my 
head  aches*  A  change  will  do  me  good.  I'll  run  right  up- 
stairs and  write  Mrs.  Winslow  my  acceptance  (looks  around 
at  the  other  girls),  as  I  know  none  of  you  girls  can  spare 
the  time. 

MARGARET  (with  feeling).  Time!  I  don't  know  what 
time  you  have,  with  statistics  showing  the  babies  dying  oft" 
so  rapidly  every  hour.  It's  different  with  me.  I  shall  have 
to  wait  a  long  time,  anyway,  to  hear  from  the  Central  African 
Mission.  I'll  tell  Mrs.  Winslow  how  sorry  you  all  are  that 
you  can't  come — 

HELEN  (hurriedly  shoving  her  books  under  the  lounge). 
Pooh !  I  can't  see  an  earthly  thing  in  the  Plutarch  I've  read 
to-day  to  help  me  choose  a  career.  Sometimes  you  get  an 
inspiration  where  you  least  expect  it.  If  I  went  to  Mrs. 
Winslow's.  I  might  get  a  suggestion  from  the  minister.  I'll 
do  it! 

EMMA  (springing  forward  eagerly).  Look  here,  girls; 
all  of  you  have  much  too  serious  missions  for  you  to  con- 
sider for  a  moment  anything  so  frivolous  as  going  to  a  tea ! 
I'm  the  one  to  go.  It  won't  hurt  those  benighted  fishermen 
to  go  without  their  tracts  twenty-four  hours  longer,  seeing 
that  they've  got  along  without  them  this  long. 

FRANCES  (in  a  gentle  voice).  I  don't  want  to  seem  selfish, 
but  since  you've  accused  me  of  being  the  only  one  without 
a  great  mission  in  life,  it  seems  reasonable  that  I  should  be 
the  one  to  go. 

GRACE  (suddenly  facing  FRANCES).  What  right  have  you 
to  go,  when  you  haven't  given  a  moment's  thought  to  the 


20  MEN    NOT   WANTED 

worth  while  in  life?  In  order  to  resist'the  tyranny  of  men, 
one  must  study  them  on  every  possible  occasion,  however 
painful.  I'd  hate  awfully  to  seem  rude  to  my  guests,  but 
really  I  feel  that  it  is  my  duty  to  go  to  Mrs.  Winslow's  myself. 

FRANCES  (smiling).  You  asked  me  what  right  I  have  to 
go.  Well,  Grace.  I'll  tell  you.  See  this?  (She  holds  up  her 
left  hand  showing  an  engagement  ring.  The  girls  all  look 
astonished  and  dismayed.) 

MARGARET.     Frances,  how  could  you? 

HELEN.     It's  awful! 

LAURA.     But  I  thought  you  said — 

FRANCES  (demurely).  Well,  you  see,  last  night  while  the 
rest  of  you  were  getting  all  filled  up  with  inspiration  at  the 
lecture,  I — I  was  making  the  same  decision  that  you  did :  to 
give  up  the  society  of  men  and  undertake  a  mission. 

EMMA.     But  I  don't  understand — 

FRANCES.  You  will.  It's  the  kind  of  mission  that  you 
find  in  every  new  home.  Maybe  it  isn't  as  noble  as  the  rest 
of  yours — giving  up  the  society  of  men  to  sort  of  concentrate 
on  the  needs  of  one  man.  The  one  man  is  Bobby. 

HELEN  and  LAURA  (falling  into  chairs).  Bobby  engaged! 
(Both  faint.) 

MARGARET.  Oh,  this  is  terrible !  We  can't  lose  our 
precious  Bobby !  (Reels  into  a  chair  and  faints.) 

GRACE  (throwing  up  her  arms).  Oh,  fickle  man!  (Suc- 
cumbs on  lounge.) 

EMMA  (feebly).  Would  that  I  could  be  wrapped  in  the 
cool  ocean  wave,  like  some  of  my  poor  fishermen,  and  forget 
it  all !  (Totters  to  other  end  of  sofa  and  faints.) 

MRS.  KELLOGG  (rushing  from  chairs  to  sofa).  Oh,  quick  ! 
Water!  They  have  fainted.  Who  would  have  dreamed  that 
the  news  of  Bobby's  engagement  could  prove  so  crushing? 

FRANCES  (sarcastically,  grabbing  vase  from  table,  'pulls 
out  flowers  and  sprinkles  each  girl  generously  as  she  passes). 
Oh,  no!  How  could  that  matter  to  such  noble  souls?  They 
are  only  deeply  impressed  with  the  perfect  uselessness  of  men. 

CURTAIN 


A     000033104     1 
• 


Denisons 


for 
Descriptive 

T.5.  DENISON  &  COMPANY  Publishers 

623   South  Wabash  Ave. 


OT— 1129 


ONE 
£>MEDIES 


This  group  of  one-act  plays  is  designed  to  fit  the 
needs  of  every  type  of  player  group  in  search  of  a  play 
that  requires  comparatively  little  preparation  and  does 
not  overtax  the  abilities  of  the  average  amateur  player. 
The  plays  call  for  a  minimum  of  costuming  and  stage 
properties,  and  all  the  shorter  ones  may  be  staged  in 
an  ordinary  room.  They  are  ingenious  in  plot,  lively,  and 
entertaining.  The  great  majority  of  them  are  rollicking 
farces  and  gay  comedies,  with  a  sprinkling  of  the  more 
serious  types  of  drama  well  seasoned  with  humor.  They 
are  so  easy  to  coach  that  it  would  be  hard  to  "find  an- 
other type  of  entertainment  that  would  prove  as  pop- 
ular, with  as  small  an  expenditure  of  effort  in  prep- 
aration. While  the  great  majority  of  the  plays  are  for 
mixed  casts,  the  list  also  contains  a  good  selection  of 
pieces  for  women  only,  as  well  as  a  few  for  men  only. 

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T.S.DEIMISON  &  COMPANY 

623  J*.  WABXVSM  /WE. 


